Quiet Corner Family Info Center » Parenting Articles

PARENTS – What Kind of Role Model Are You?

Jenn McGroary — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 10:33:48 +0000

Are you being the person you want your children to be?

Many parents today really try to be better parents than their
parents were. They attempt to be there for their children – to
listen to them, support them, spend time with them, as well as
hold and nurture them. Their children grow up feeling loved and
valued by these loving parents, yet often these same children
struggle as adults in many areas of their lives. I have numerous
clients who tell me that they had wonderful parents who truly
loved and nurtured them, yet these clients are struggling with
their work, their relationships, or their lives in general. Why
is this?

The common issue is that their parents did not role model for
them personal responsibility for their own feelings, needs, and
physical health. They did not teach them through their own
behavior how to take good care of themselves physically or
emotionally.

So, what are you teaching your children through your own
behavior? Do you role model following your passions, or do you
spend your spare time watching TV? Do you role model taking good
care of your health, or do you smoke cigarettes, eat badly and
get little exercise? Do you have a spiritual practice that is
meaningful to you and moves you into your heart, or do you stay
mostly in your head? Do you have a process for managing your
conflicts with others, or do you tend to withdraw, get angry,
resist or comply as a way to control or avoid conflict? Do your
children see you avoiding life’s difficulties with alcohol,
drugs, gambling, spending, TV or other addictive behavior, or
learning from life’s challenges? Are you boring because you just
try to be safe and maintain the status quo, or do you extend
yourself and take some risks that result in aliveness and
vitality?

A client of mine was recently struggling with the lack of
passion in her life. I asked her if her parents were passionate
about anything. “No,” she said. “The smoked constantly, drank
beer, and watched TV. They were nice to me, but they were both
sick a lot and both died at young ages. I never saw either of
them excited about anything.” This woman in her late forties had
no idea of how to discover her passions and her life felt dead
to her. Her husband had expressed a lack of interest in her
because he actually found her to be boring, and was no longer
sexually interested in her. This is what brought her to work
with me.

Let’s take the role modeling a little further. Are you honest,
or do you let your children think it’s okay to withhold the
truth or even lie outright. Do you role model integrity, or do
you behave in ways that you would not want announced in a
newspaper? Do you stand up for yourself, or do you let others
walk all over you? Do you tolerate abusive situations or do your
children see you take action in your own behalf?

It’s very important to realize that, while being there for your
children is vital, it is only half of good parenting. The other
half is being there for yourself with honesty, courage and
integrity. It’s not enough to treat your children with love. You
need to treat yourself with love as well if you want your
children to grow up knowing how to take loving care of
themselves.

If your parents did not role model treating themselves lovingly,
the chances are you don’t know how to do it for yourself.
Treating yourself lovingly is something that is a learned skill.
The six-step Inner Bonding process (see our FREE course at
www.innerbonding.com) was developed specifically for this
purpose. The best thing you can do for yourself and your
children is learn these six powerful steps and practice them on
a daily basis. Your children will naturally learn how to take
responsibility for themselves – for their health and emotional
well-being – as you learn to do this for yourself. Give yourself
and your children the gift of the joy that comes from truly
loving yourself!

About the author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of
eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You?”, “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?”,
“Healing Your Aloneness”,”Inner Bonding”, and “Do I Have To Give
Up Me To Be Loved By God?” Visit her web site for a FREE Inner
Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com

The ADD Child: Challenging Parents, Teachers and Friends

Jenn McGroary — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 10:31:13 +0000

The ADD child exhibits a series of behaviors that are common in
most children. Most children misbehave, act silly and day dream.
So what, then, is the difference? The child with Attention
Deficit Disorder exhibits these behaviors in a constant and
extreme manner, often interfering with their academic, social
and family interactions. Here are the variety of ways that a
child may exhibit ADD behaviors:

Inattention: The most visible and well-known behavior of a child
with attention deficit issues is an inability to maintain
attention and focus over an extended period of time. This
behavior shows up in a variety of situations, such as forgetting
or confusing instructions that were just given, being
inattentive when involved in a conversation, growing bored of
activities within moments, appearing to be in a daze or day
dream, and being unable to complete tasks.

Hyperattention: Paradoxically, the same ADD child who cannot
stay focused enough to finish many common tasks will have no
problem whatsoever in focusing on a video game or TV show for
hours. This ability to hyper-focus on chosen activities is very
common in the child with Attention Deficit Disorder. This
behavior is possible only because the child pursues the
desirable activity through a heightened level of excitement
which is a controlled form of hyperactivity.

Distractibility: An ADD child can be easily distracted from most
activities by any form of stimulus in the environment (movement,
color, sound), as well as by their own scattered, fast-moving
thoughts. This results in half-finished or poorly completed
tasks, constant minor non-compliances with known rules,
zig-zagging from one activity to another, and the inability for
the child to do well in group situations (such as school) where
compliance with the rules is important.

Impulsivity: An ADD child will often blurt out information in
inappropriate ways and make poor decisions relative to their
actions. This child may risk his or her own safety without a
second thought, running into the street, climbing to the top of
a tree or rock formation, or jumping or diving into a pool
without checking the depth. The child with ADD acts on impulse
rather than through logic or problem-solving. Impulsivity in
many ADD children can also be characterized by impatience or
temperamental (often oppositional) behavior since the ADD child
often feels a driving need for something (anything!) to happen
immediately.

Hyperactivity: Of all the characteristics of an ADD child, the
behavior that is most difficult for those around the child to
accept is the presence of hyperactivity. The child with
hyperactivity is always in motion — touching, searching,
pushing, jumping, running, tapping, and squabbling with friends
and siblings. The hyperactive ADD child seems to need a high
level of stimulation at all times in order to feel OK.
Hyperactivity will also be seen in the form of a child who talks
incessantly, clowns around all of the time, and finds every
other form of trouble that a parent can name.

Insatiability: The ADD child has an insatiable need for
attention to be brought onto himself. While all children thrive
on adult attention, focus and concern, the child with ADD can
never seem to get enough. They act out, talk incessantly, joke
around, monopolize conversations, demand the teacher’s constant
involvement, show off to friends, and badger incessantly until
they get their way.

Clumsiness and Poor Coordination: Many ADD children exhibit
problems with fine motor control. This can be seen in poor
handwriting and in difficulty performing other routine tasks
such as buttoning buttons or tying shoelaces. When combined with
the child’s inability to plan or organize a flow of activities,
the resulting outcome (written paper, self-dressing, etc.) may
appear chaotic and disorganized. Many ADD children also exhibit
gross motor control clumsiness due to poor motor planning
cognitive skills or other co-existing weaknesses in areas such
as balance, depth-perception or eye-hand coordination.

Disorganization: The ADD child is a study in disorganization!
Whether it is the state of the child’s room, the organization of
a term paper, the set up of the child’s school supplies and
workspace, grooming, dressing and hygiene skills, or any other
aspect of the child’s life, the most probable outcome will be a
disorganized mess. This results from the ADD child’s impulsivity
(jumping at any solution), distractibility (stopping in the
middle of any activity), hyperactivity (pulling out and tearing
apart everything in sight), and inattention (they lose interest
anyway!).

Mood Swings: With an ADD child, everything is always at
extremes, and their range of emotions is no different. In some
cases, they can be extremely domineering and controlling as they
seek to gain attention for themselves. In other cases, they can
be unreachable, and no amount of discipline or parental
intervention seems to have an effect. When an child with ADD is
“stuck” in the emotions of the moment, there seems to be no way
for reasonable discussions to bypass the emotional whirlwind in
progress. ADD children can be described as oppositional,
stubborn, overly-dramatic, flighty, ecstatically happy or
excessively sensitive, just to name a few of the extremes
experienced by ADD children.

Poor Social Skills: Based on all of the issues discussed so far,
it’s not surprising that ADD children don’t fare well with peer
relationships. They speak and act impulsively, show off and
dominate conversations or class time, clown around at
inappropriate times, miss subtle social cues, may be physically
clumsy and awkward, and often irritate and annoy their peers in
a thousand daily ways.

As a result of the symptoms and behaviors just described, the
ADD child encounters all too many difficulties in their young
lives. True ADD should not be considered a “phase” that will be
outgrown. Rather, parents and educators should seek all of the
education and knowledge they can find to help these kids
flourish and succeed throughout the elementary school years.

About the author:
Jeanne Bauer is the author of the ADD to C3 Kids E-Booklets,
providing a fast, natural and healthy approach to ADD/ADHD. Find
more information at http://www.add-adhd-infoplus.com and
http://www.addtoc3kids.com.

War Declared On Instant Messenger: How to Stop Your Child from Wasting Their Life Away Online

Jenn McGroary — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 10:28:47 +0000

Hey Parents! I hate to tell you, but there is no such thing as
“useful instant messaging”. Your crafty child might try to take
advantage of your lack of “Techie” know how when they say in
that whiny voice… “But Mom I’m IMing my friends about
homework.” Don’t buy it! They are simply playing up the school
is important bit so they can get you off their back.

To be fair, yes kids might spend a couple minutes discussing
their school assignments. But for every 30 seconds of actual
work, another 30 minutes are lost in useless chatter with the
hundred or so “friends” on their buddy list! And if your child
consistently pulls the “I didn’t know the assignment” excuse,
then bigger school problems than instant messaging are on the
horizon.

You can easily stop the hours upon hours of instant messaging
with one simple gesture. PULL THE PLUG! Now, I don’t really mean
to literally pull the plug out of the computer on your child.
The last thing we want to do is get into a power struggle with
your child, or break your $1500 computer.

No, what I mean is simply lay down the law. Allocate a specific
period of instant messaging time per day. One hour of IMing is
not going to kill anyone or their social life. And in that one
hour time slot they will have plenty of time to discuss
homework, their teacher, the new kid in class, or whatever.

Right now you might be saying, “That sounds great Chris, but
what happens when my kid refuses to adhere to the allotted
time?” When your child disregards your house rules it simply
means they have too much free time on their hands. We all know
that idleness is the devil’s playground. It might be time to up
their chore responsibilities. Or sign them up for an after
school art class or even a sport or karate. Sometimes the best
answer is to simply spend some quality time with them. Set up a
time each day to play scrabble, take a walk or cook something
together. It really doesn’t matter what it is, just play to your
kids interests and keep them busy.

The internet is a great tool, especially when it comes to
education and homework. In the future we can expect to see an
even greater merger of it with our every day lives. However,
right now it’s the great stealer of time. Getting sidetracked is
very easy, (as some of you might know) and with the media
induced, shortened attention spans of our children, whole young
lives could waste away online. Teach your kids to use the
Internet and Instant Messaging as intended. Sometimes we use it
for work; sometimes we use it for play. Just be sure your kids
know the difference between the two.

=======================================

Chris Pizzo is the President of Noble Learning Systems Inc. and
the developer of the NEW “Amazing Homework Motivator” program.

Why are thousands of kids happily sitting down to do their
homework each and every night?…Without a fight, an argument,
or even a reminder? Click here now ==> www.HomeworkMotivator.com

About the author:
Chris Pizzo is the President of Noble Learning Systems Inc. and
the developer of the NEW “Amazing Homework Motivator” program.

Are You Addicted to Your Children?

Jenn McGroary — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 10:26:32 +0000

Is it possible to be using our children addictively?

Anything that we use to get love, avoid pain, and fill up inner
emptiness can become an addiction – even our children! If your
children are your whole life – if you don’t have a strong
spiritual connection with a personal source of love and
guidance, as well as other relationships and interests that you
are passionate about, you might be using your children to fill
an empty place within you.

If you don’t have a partner or your relationship with your
partner is not fulfilling to you, and you don’t have deeply
connected and meaningful friendships, then you might be using
your kids as your major emotional connection. If you don’t have
hobbies or work that are compelling and fulfilling to you, you
might be using your children to give meaning to your life. If
you don’t have a daily spiritual practice that brings love and
comfort to your soul, you might be using your children to fill
this need.

If this is what you are doing, it is not good for your children.
It is a huge burden on children to be responsible for their
parent’s loneliness and sense of purpose. Children who feel this
responsibility often become caretakers, giving themselves up to
take care of a parent. On the other hand, a child burdened with
this responsibility may rebel and distance from the parent,
spending less and less time at home to avoid the burden of the
parent’s emptiness.

I grew up as an only child with a mother who had nothing
fulfilling in her life – other than me. Her whole focus was on
me, and because I couldn’t possibly fill her up in the way she
needed to be filled, she was often angry at me. I became a good
little girl, a good caretaker of my mother, but the result was
that I was a nervous and unhappy child, and wanted to be away
from my house as much as possible.

Our children need to be a part of our life, not our whole life.
We need to role-model for them what it looks like to take
personal responsibility for filling ourselves up. We need to
show them what it looks like to take responsibility for making
ourselves happy, rather than rely on them for our happiness.
Your children want to know that they are important to you, but
not so important that your well-being is dependent upon them.
You might want to explore the following questions to see if you
may be using your children addictively:

* Do you have a solid spiritual practice that fills you with a
sense of peace and gives meaning to your life?

* Are you expressing your particular talents in a way that feels
meaningful and productive to you and gives you a sense of
fulfillment?

* Do you have fulfilling emotional connections with other adults
- a partner, other family members or friends?

If you answered “yes” to these, then you are probably not using
your children addictively.

* Do you feel bored and useless when your children are not
around? Is it your children that give your life meaning?

* Is your sense of worth attached to your children’s
achievements? Do you tend to take it personally if one of your
children has a problem?

* Are you over-involved in your children’s lives?

* Are you overly sensitive if one of our children is angry or
distant? Do you find yourself trying to pacify your children
rather than set appropriate limits in order to avoid their
rejection?

* Did you choose to have children to share the fullness of your
love or did you have children in the hopes of getting love from
them?

If you answered “yes” to one or more of these, then there is a
good possibility that you are using your children addictively.
If this is the case, the best thing you can do for you and your
children is to move yourself toward a solid spiritual practice,
look for meaningful ways of expressing your talents, and develop
emotional connection and support from other adults.